Disappearing act

Not doing too well. Back home with my mother. Every word she utters cuts like a knife and I am in tatters. The tears just come instantaneously as if on cue. As much as I am working on letting go of the pain there is an endless reservoir of hurt, disappointment, anger and sadness. I believe I started out loving my mother, but the affection was squashed by the pain she kept inflicting. Now I just feel devoid of any love for her. Is it any wonder? Perhaps there is no relationship to salvage as it never was a healthy mother-daughter realtionship and maybe it is time to just let it go. I wish I could just disappear.

Fading Away...

Just now I had a good cry. Have figured out why I have a thing for "fading men" types. It is because I think that maybe this time I will finally catch my father before he permanently fades away from my field of view...the tears showed me that. As painful as it is; it is good to know this. Bring on the tears...bring on the further self awareness...bring on the letting go of accumulated pain...bring on the recovery...

Resurrection

So many months have passed and I do not know what I have been up to except continuing to survive...I am back, though, with my feet planted firmly on this terra firma now. This blog has been a great way to cope with the harsh realities of my life and will continue to serve that purpose. I must say that I feel healthier now. I am working on and fortifying myself to deal better with the hand that I've been dealt. Hope to continue to blog more regularly as the recovery process moves forward. Keep the faith.

It's really sad...

how it seems so hard to understand each other. Even when you are related by blood and when you were in someone's body for 10 months it doesn't mean everything that you are trying to relay to your mother is understood. It's sad. It really is. I try to understand all that she is trying to tell me and I feel i do, but she doesn't understand even a fraction of what I'd like her to.

A New Year: A New Me

It's New Year's Day. A Happy New Year to all who come across this post. It's unbelievable that this blog which started as a way to exorcise my demons has now been in existence for a full year now. This has helped me deal with all the anger, frustration and disappointments throughout the year and for this I am grateful. I would like this blog to continue to aid me in that process while at the same time helping me further evolve as a more well-adjusted and positive individual. Life is too short to be miserable. It really is.

UNBELIEVABLE!

An online friend whom I believed was one of my best friends had become increasingly standoffish, disrespectful and not at all talkative in the past few months. I had felt something was wrong, but could not get an answer from him about what exactly might have been going through his mind. Well, he has decided to just end it with no explanations. I sent him an e-mail from my end which was very honest and thoughtful, but he has not written back and probably never will. Sad, sad, sad...I will try to believe that this is for the best and let him be. Thank you for six long years of friendship. Goodbye.

He doesn't care

So I call to relay a message and after he asks me how I am I say "not well." He completely ignores this and goes on about how he sent out resumes etc...I am hurt...I am also stupid for having invested so much emotionally and otherwise in this man. I hope to learn my lesson.