I am just so mad and angry and feeling tremendously sorry for myself at the moment that it made sense to write this all down. As the departure date for LA looms closer to day after tommorow all these pent up angry feelings within me are surfacing and I am not in a good state of mind at the moment. The reason I have not been able to have a meaningful relationship with any man thus far in my almost 42 years of existence is because of my damn father! How on earth could I trust any man when my father, who was supposed to be there for me to provide unconditional love was not there and, in fact, felt that it was allright to simply dispose of me like a bag of garbage?! Compounding this asinine crap is the reality that my mother is the most dysfunctional mother ever! How on earth can a child who has not had the privilege of having two decent parents, father and mother, function normally?! It's a wonder I am barely surviving! For many years (37 to be exact), I believed that no one would care to love me. I was too fat and ugly was what I believed. I finally got fed up with waiting for "Prince Charming" that I decided to whore around with men who were unavailable (emotionally and othewise). I remained a Virgin throughout because I did not want to sacrifice my virtue to a man who I could not fully trust. Finally in that fateful year of 9.11 I went looking for someone to love and who would love me, because it made sense, what with the end of the world coming any day now. I posted a personal ad in the local free paper and got 4 responses: One guy bailed before even meeting; one guy was married and a visiting researcher at a local think tank and one guy wanted sex, real bad. The most decent guy amongst them all was the one I felt was decent enough to go out on a second date with. Second date led to third and before you know it, we were a couple by Valentine's Day when he said he loved me in Japanese for the first time. I criss-crossed the country with this man and it just got worse and worse...he was a leech with no sense of ambition and just drained me, emotionally and financially. A good person, but with Tourette's Syndrome, and I didn't know that (despite thinking him unusual) until my brother who took Abnormal Psych in college relayed his amateur diagnosis to me. I asked him to just be my friend after 2 years and a month of being a couple with him and he agreed amid outbursts of tears, but is still hanging onto me emotionally and otherwise (though has moved out since 6 months aqo, thank God!) I ended up yelling at him and saying he is self-centered and doesn't care about me. I also told him that I am tired of him talking about the same old stuff (discrimination against him, his anger towards "rich, snooty, people." etc...best places to live w/out dealing with discrimination in the United States, and how great Canada is, no discrimination! wow!) Then I think, but I picked him! It's my fucking stupidity for picking such a man and then I go back to "it's not my fucking fault because it's my deserting father who fucked me up big time in conjunction with my fucked-up mother!" You know what I want? Peace! I also want to be on my own and not have to worry about whether I'm going to be able to cough up the thousands of dollars monthly that I need to come up with to look after my spoiled mother!
